


The Habits of Our Hearts

by heyitsdimsum



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Romance, I'll try writing some smut too, I'm sorry for the Angst, M/M, My First AO3 Post, My First Fanfic, Some new characters, Three Years Later, VictUuri, a lot of angst indeed, but long live victuuri, communication problems, it will be okay in the end, post YOI, post victuuri wedding, supporting cast is very supportive, there is a happy ending, yuuri is still very anxious
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-30
Updated: 2017-10-03
Packaged: 2018-09-20 23:28:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9520808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heyitsdimsum/pseuds/heyitsdimsum
Summary: "... Yuuri, please. We can talk about this. There is so much to find out about all this. We can fix this together. Please...""What?! What's left to find and fix?"Three years after their marriage, as he watches Yuuri leave their home with a strong resolve to never come back, Victor sadly realises that somethings are probably just not meant to be... or are they? The love that brought them together in the first place, could it bring them back together, or will circumstances of the world drive them apart?





	1. How Did We Get Here?

**Author's Note:**

> I will be specifying the POVs in the beginning of the chapter and as and when they change. Leave me suggestions in the comments. Constructive criticism is very much appreciated because this is my first fanfic here. Please forgive me for any mistakes I make.

**(Victor's POV)**

 

"... Yuuri, please. We can talk about this. There is so much to find out about all this. We can fix this together. Please..."

 

"What?! What's left to find and fix?" 

 

I can see tears in the corner of his eyes, ready to fall. _Please no. Dear lord._

 

"I'll completely break if I stay a minute longer. Don't try to find me, Victor, please, I can't see you for a while, at least till this... whatever this is, is sorted. Goodbye.", and with that, the love of my life walked out on me after three years of a blissful marriage.

 

As the door closes with a thud loud enough to be heard in outer space probably, I realize that I'm crying as well. Where do I go from this? Oh my god. 

 

The door of the guest room creaks and she walks to me, with concern on her face.

 

"Are you okay, um... Mr. Nikiforov?" 

 

"I'm fine. Go wash up, I'll cook you something."

 

As she walks away, I realize how correct Yuuri was. 

 

_She does have eyes like mine._

 

* * *

 

_**It was all so perfect. The wedding was in Barcelona, and it was beautiful. Everybody was happy. There was all the dancing, all the drinking, all the happy tears, and of course, there was Yuuri, who was all mine now, and I was completely his, like always.** _

_**We made love, for the very first time. It was everything I wanted and more. I could have held him for forever, silently praying that the night would never end and I'd get to hold him just like this, always.** _

_**We went to Venice, and then Monte Carlo, for a month each. They were the most beautiful two months of my life. It was all so perfect.** _

_**Living in St. Petersburg was a challenge for Yuuri - he was away from home again, his home rink changed - but he was ready to change it all for us to work, and I was ready to give the world away to make it all work. We would be separated sometimes of course, and the competition was tough. It took a lot for us to survive in the Ice Skating world, with the string of homophobic people protesting against us wherever we went, for me to adjust to the competition back again, for Yuuri to maintain his confidence - but somehow we made it through all of that as well.** _

_**The stress was starting to get to us - there was the occasional arguing, but it was nothing our love and our patience couldn't fix. It was getting harder day by day - holding on to each other - but I promised I'd do this no matter what. I'd pull off my end of making this work, just like Yuuri will.** _

_**Then Alisa showed up, and my Yuuri left, saying that he was tired. Why? Why did he think we couldn't survive through this? I knew things were going to be tougher for us, but couldn't we have done this together?** _

_**Was it really over now?** _

 

* * *

 

Nothing. I felt nothing. I told her I'd cook something up for her, but my legs won't move. I find myself sitting in an awkward position in front of the door. Maybe he'll change his mind. Maybe he'll come back.

Instead, the door opens, and Mila walks in, looking at me with... sadness, pity, I'm sure.

"Did he leave already? My god, I am so so sorry Victor. We'll convince him, things like these are some things couples have to-"

I can feel myself cracking apart now. "Things?! That's a ten-year-old girl! I don't even remember who fucked me over ten years ago! I don't even remember where I was! There were girls everywhere, and I have no idea who's responsible for this! Plus, now the kid says her mother is dead! Is she going to live with me now? What about me, my love, my life, my career-"

_Calm down, Victor._

Mila's look has changed to that of an alarmed one. "Victor, we'll figure it all out, you need to keep your calm in these situations. We'll find her next-of-kin and we'll-"

"I AM HER NEXT-OF-KIN. I AM HER FATHER! WHO ELSE WOULD TAKE HER IN?! LOOK AT HER!" My voice was now thundering, despite the fact that I had no energy left to deal with anything anymore.

Mila freezes all movement as she sees Alisa walk out of her room again. 

"Should I make you some breakfast, milaya? Come.", and taking Alisa with her, she leaves me on the floor to deal with myself like the rag doll I am, with nothing else to do but sit there and wait for a miracle that will fix this.

 

* * *

 

 

**(Yuuri's POV)**

 

_Pick up, pick up, pick up._

"Yuuri! How-"

"Phichit, call Celestino, tell him I'm coming to Thailand. Can he coach me, or do I need to find a coach elsewhere? I need a place to stay. I just need one room, preferably closer to your rink, and the rent shouldn't be too-"

"Yuuri stop! Rent? What are you talking about? Are you coming here? One room, what about Victor-"

"The next conversation where you talk about Victor will be our last one so you better be careful. I'll be staying with you, my flight's in an hour and I'll answer all your questions when I'm there. Bye."

_Well, that wasn't so hard._

I couldn't possibly go to Hasetsu; I possibly couldn't tell them why I came back and why I am probably never going to get a chance at going back to my home again.

I couldn't possibly tell them about... _her._

 

* * *

 

**_The problems started a little after two years, I think._ **

**_First, I thought we were just tired - we forgot to call each other, we were continents away, and when we finally got back together, there was always something or the other to deal with - some press conference, some interviews, some hatred to deal with, everywhere. It was getting really hard to just live happily like we had no problem to deal with at all._ **

**_...I did take him away from the world after all. This is the price I'm willing to pay._ **

**_It was worse when I was traveling alone. My anxiety rose up really high, and Victor couldn't fix it that well on the phone, but at least he knew which things to say to at least try to make it better._ **

**_Sadly, some part inside the both of us knew that the blissful period of our marriage was long gone. Of course, we weren't going to give up on us, not after we passed all the trials that the world put against us._ **

**_But then our stress got the best of us, and we ended up arguing on the most trivial of things, all the time. Yakov talked to us about how it might get hard - but the fighting scared us, and so we tried to resolve whatever arguments we had like it was some kind of homework._ **

**_That stopped too, unfortunately, and many arguments were just left unresolved. We loved each other, just like always. Our love wasn't changing, but the challenges we had to face were getting worse. Our loved ones saw it too - it almost felt like we were drifting apart, even though we were trying so so so hard to hold on to each other._ **

**_Then one Sunday morning, like the calm before the storm, a ten-year-old girl with flowing blond hair and the most beautiful blue eyes knocked on our door with a neatly sealed letter in her hand, claiming to be Alisa Nikiforov, and that's when it all broke down. That's when I knew simply arguing wouldn't resolve this._ **

**_That's when I knew our time was up._ **

 

 

 


	2. Alisa Nikiforov and the Knock on Our Door

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At a time, when Yuuri and Victor were trying so hard to hold on to each other, Alisa Nikiforov brings with her the biggest challenge the couple has to face. A challenge that could tear them apart... or do just the opposite?

**(Victor's POV)**

The house feels like it's grieving for Yuuri. _My Yuuri._

Mila called Yakov and Yurio and took Alisa out to the city for the day. Yakov looked stressed, and instead of jabbing like he usually does, Yurio drags me to the couch and makes me sit there with a glass of water. _That is Yuuri's favourite couch..._

"He's gonna come back, you know? He's just a little shocked and he doesn't know what to do about it honestly. Keep your calm, Victor."

Well _, I didn't even know where he was right now, what he was doing. Did he eat? We hadn't even eaten anything and the screaming match before had drained him too, wasn't he tired? He gets a little cranky when he's tired._

As if hearing my thoughts, Yurio tells me he will ask Phichit and let him know of their situation.

I hear something in the kitchen.

"Vitya, I'm making some eggs and coffee. Eat and sleep for a while before Mila brings her back. Go.", says Yakov.

I eat, and despite feeling nothing but pain, I fall into deep sleep, thinking of everything that brought us here.

_Yuuri, come back, please._

 

* * *

 

_**It was a Sunday, 29 October. We were lying around, not talking. This is what we usually did on Sundays; laze around, hold hands, and not talk much, of course, because the talking often leads to arguing and that is not what any of us wanted on a day that the both of us had for each other.** _

_**But then a consistent knocking on the main door interrupted our calm, and Yuuri got up to see who it was.** _

_**I should have gone instead. I should've dealt with this first.** _

_**I wait for five minutes, then ten. I get up, ready to check on the door, and Yuuri enters, his face aghast and pale.** _

_**"Yuuri what happened? Are you-"** _

_**"Someone's here, you better deal with whatever it is.", and with that Yuuri shut himself in the bathroom.** _

_**It. He called her 'it'. He was so angry.** _

_**I walk out to the couch, and there she is, uncertain, with a platinum blond bob on her head and the biggest blue eyes I have ever seen. How old was she? Eight? Ten?** _

_**"Hello, Mr. Nikiforov. Nice to meet you, I'm Alisa Nikiforov."** _

_**"Nikiforov?"** _

**Oh god no. Please no. Please don't let this be what this looks like. Yuuri... oh god.**

_**"Mama said not to tell you until you read the letter, but she said I'm your daughter."** _

_**I  haven't breathed in the last two minutes. I'm standing there, frozen like a statue, asking for further explanation.** _

_**She offers me a letter. My heart is thundering in fear as I peel the envelope open and begin to read it.** _

_**"Victor,** _

_**If the cancer wasn't about to take me away, there was no way in hell I would have let her come to you. But I'm close to death, I have nobody to call for help, and she has no one to support her to give a good life. Drop her in the orphanage if you can't accept her, but if you have some humanity, please give her the future every child deserves.** _

_**Her name is Alisa. She was born on 3rd March. She is ten years old. She loves Borscht. I think she'll love maths as she grows older. She has been taught ice skating as far as to master a triple toe loop, just like you could.  do. I didn't want her to resemble you in any aspect, but in no way could my heart keep her away from the rink. She said to me that she wants to learn how to skate as well.** _

_**Alisa is the only thing that has kept me going all these years, and now I need someone to take care of her. Please, be the father that she needs to be. I am sorry for any trouble she causes. She has a big heart, and she will never complain. Please take care of her.** _

_**Thank you,** _

_**Anna"** _

_**Hot tears are falling from my eyes now. I don't even remember who Anna was, where I met her and what she looked like. My heart still hasn't stopped beating like it's about to burst.** _

_**"Sit here, child. I'll... be back in a while.", I tell her as I leave her to find Yuuri and explain.** _

_**Somehow, I thought explaining it could work.** _

_**How could I explain a ten-year-old child to him?** _

_**I should've opened the door that morning.** _

* * *

 

  **(Yuuri's POV)**

 

"Well, you're finally here. Now calm down and tell me what happened. Take your time.", says Phichit.

Somehow, without breaking down, we made it to the coffee shop at the airport (Phichit insisted and said that if it was something stupid he was going to send me right back.).

I tell him - I tell him about the fights, the stress, the petty arguments, Victor Nikiforov's very own beautiful Alisa, and our horrifying fight, me packing my bags, and then coming here - for an undecided period of time.

He doesn't interrupt. He doesn't look away from me for even a second. 

After I'm finished talking, Phichit silently stands up, and says, "Celestino will take you, but just for the upcoming Grand Prix. That's the time I'm giving you both to sort this out. You're grown ups and you've dealt with many things together.A room hasn't been found yet, but you can stay with me for the time being. You'll stay with me on one condition, though. When you're fully rested, tell Victor where you are and what you plan to do. He's your husband no matter what and he has the right to know. If you don't, I'll personally have him come here and take you back."

"Fine.", was all that could croak out.

"Let's get you cleaned up and rested then. I'll be making sure you call him in a while. Come."

I miss him already. Fuck.

_I can't breathe. I can't breathe._

_I can't hear anything anymore. Phichit is calling to me now, but I'm on my knees, tears flowing down my face, my eyes hurting again._

_I want this to stop. I wanna go back._

"Yuuri, are you okay?! It's okay Yuuri, we'll fix this, you'll fix this! Victor.."

... But my eyes are already closing, and the last thing I can phrase is Victor's name taken by him.

 

* * *

 

 

Phichit holds open the door to his place. He insisted on holding my suitcase for me. We came here from the hospital after an hour after I woke up, the doctor ruling it out as a panic attack.

I come back from the washroom, and Phichit stands there, a mobile in his hand.

"You promised. You know you want to. Sit on the couch and do it."

I dial the one number that I could dial with keeping my eyes closed, silently hoping that we won't pick up.

Of course, he picks up.

"YUURI?! Where are you? What are you doing? Did you eat? Are you o-"

"I'm with Phichit. In Thailand. Don't interrupt me. I need some time away, and I think we'll both be doing better without each other."

I can hear his tears falling. I can hear him sniffing and crying, but I have to continue.

"Victor... I'll be fine here and you take care of yourself. We'll sort ourselves out after the Grand Prix... and take care of the girl. Goodbye, Vicch... Victor."

He's crying, and now I am crying too.

"Victor please don't make it harder than it already is. Bye."

"Bye Yuuri. I love you."

".... I-I love you too Victor", and the tears and the screaming and the pain and the crying come back with full force. No way Phichit's hugging would fix this.

The touch I needed was countries away.

 

* * *

 

 

_**The second Victor stepped out of the room, I bring out my suitcase from the bottom of the bed. I throw in my skates, my costumes for the next Grand Prix, and some clothes.** _

_**Our time was up. It was time for this to be over.** _

_**Victor bursts in the door and all movement in the room freezes.** _

_**"Yuuri, you have to listen to me, please. I can find an explanation."** _

_**"Well then, come back to me when you've found one!"** _

_**I was harsher than I wanted to be. But then the girl's face flits into my imagination again, and my anger increases multiple folds.** _

_**I need to leave.** _

_**"Yuuri we can face this together, just like we-"** _

_**"Just like we what? What have we been able to resolve in the last two months? What about all the people spewing shit at us? Do you think it will stop when they see your beautiful daughter walk into our lives? Do you actually think you'll be able to make anyone believe that all of this isn't some big fucking mistake?"** _

_**... And now I'm crying. My throat hurts, but the stress from the last few months urges me to continue.** _

_**"I'm tired Vicchan. One problem finishes, and the other one shows up. When was the last time we actually genuinely had a real conversation without it turning into some kind of a war zone?  And with madam Nikiforov showing up, do you think that we will be the same for even a minute more?!"** _

_**Victor's angry too, I can see it on his face.** _

_**"Well, you are my husband aren't you? We made vows to stand by each other, Yuuri! You promised, what the fuck! I know it's hard, but it's hard for me too! People still haven't adjusted to the fact that I'm gay and then I'm coaching you AND competing against you and-"** _

_**Oh, so that' what this is.** _

_**It's all... my fault.** _

_**As I begin to comprehend what he just said, Victor's facial expression changes to that of pure horror.** _

_**Of course, he's afraid, I've figured it all out.** _

_**Well then, let's get it over with.** _

_**"I might have been the root of all of your problems, but this problem is completely your production, isn't it? Then let me leave and go fucking deal with it!"** _

_**"Yuuri no that's not what I-"** _

_**But I don't let him finish. I leave and I run, run to get a cab, and the only person I can think of is Yuuko.** _

_**Yuuko doesn't pick up. Fuck.** _

_**I get off at the airport, and on the way to the queue to buy tickets, I tell Phichit to rent me a room, not that he will, without understanding what happened.** _

_**My thoughts drift to our home, Makkachin, Victor... but the flight is already high up in the air now, and there was no way in hell I could go back.** _

_**Not with her being there.** _

 

* * *

 

 

**(Victor's POV)**

 

After he hung up, and after dealing with another bout of fresh tears, a sad realisation hit me.

_Maybe this was a sign. Maybe... we really can't be the same anymore._

_Mila and Alisa are back._

I walk out of the room and see Yakov, Yurio and Mila stand up from where they were, completely ready to catch me if I fall or something. It's Alisa's expression that catches my eye for some unknown reason, and she walks up to me.

"Are you alright now, Mr. Nikiforov?"

... And I'm seconds away from going back to my room but...

"Alisa?"

"Yes?"

"I'm not Mr. Nikiforov to you. Call me papa."

Yurio flinches, but Alisa doesn't. Yakov and Mila are shocked, but they choose to say nothing. Good.

"Okay... papa."

 "Well then, what would you like to have for lunch?"

_Don't you worry Yuuri... I'll fix this. I promise._

_I love you._

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did y'all enjoy the angst? All constructive criticism is appreciated, so drop by in the comments!
> 
> Chapter Playlist -  
> 1\. Sad Beautiful Tragic - Taylor Swift  
> 2\. One Last Night - Vaults  
> 3\. Long Way Down - One Direction


	3. Moving On and Going Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After finding some time alone with Alisa, Victor tries to look back in his past and tries to make her a part of his life, all the while trying to find some way to bring Yuuri back.
> 
> All the while, Yuuri feels as miserable as ever, starting his training for the next Grand Prix, but then Celestino brings about someone to help him with all the stress... someone who could help Yuuri find some answers to all the roots of the problems of his married life.

**(Victor's POV)**

She likes Borscht. She loves it very much.

She didn't say a word during lunch, and my mouth won't swallow one bite no matter what.

Yakov and Mila decide to stay back and eat with us. Yurio leaves for practice. She has a lot to say. It's all on her face, but there's only one thing she asks. 

"Where is the other man? The one who opened the door?"

Yakov starts, but I signal him to stop.  

"He's gone for a while. He... he has some work to do."

"Who is he?"  

Who is he? He is my life, my inspiration, my love. How could a ten-year-old child understand?

"My husband." _Oh shit. Shit._

"But aren't you the husband?" _Oh shit._

"We're both husbands. Each other's husbands." I can feel anger surge inside me, for some unknown reason. _Shut up_.

"And there are no wives involved?" Mila is giggling, and Yakov can't help but smile, and the anger fades as quickly as it had come first.

"When you have a person like Yuuri in your life, you won't need anyone else no matter what." I was 

"Yuuri...", she lets the name roll off her tongue, as if tasting a new dish. "... he hates me?" The way she asks brings a very unexpected smile to my face.

"No milaya. Yuuri loves children, and he will love you too. He just... needs some time, that's all."

_Yes, he will be fine. He will love you. He will come back. I will make him come back, just you wait._

 

* * *

 

 

**_It's November. We're at the Ice Palace square, and a small group of the sweetest toddlers have invaded. They are trying their best to skate around without falling, and it's a thing of beauty to watch._ **

**_We are sitting on a bench nearby, having the best coffee ever, and that's when he says it._ **

**_"I love children."_ **

**_"Do you want some?"_ **

**_"What?"_ **

**_"Children.", I offer in the kindest way possible._ **

**_"I don't think that's biologically possible."_ **

**_"If we make love hard enough, I'm pretty sure we can churn out a few children of our own. I read it in a magazine.", I whisper into his sweet ear._ **

**_"v-Victor!" He is giggling now, and his giggle makes me feel all warm and loved inside._ **

**_"You wanna try making some tonight?"_ **

_**"Sure.**_ "

* * *

 

**_"Do you want children, Yuuri?", I ask him the next morning, after our endless attempts at making children the previous night were left unsuccessful._ **

**_"I want whatever it takes to be with you. I don't want children as a necessity, but I won't mind them either. Please, Victor, don't worry about stuff like this. We'll be just fine with ourselves, don't you think?"_ **

**_"As long as you're there, I don't mind either. But our attempts at making children shouldn't stop, though."_ **

**_"I completely agree.", and he's beautifully giggling again._ **

 

* * *

 

 

**(Yuuri's POV)**

Five days. It's been five days since I left.

"Celestino, sorry to join at such a short notice.", I tell him as he offers me a warm hug this morning.

"No problem at all Yuuri. But just this one competition, though. You'll have to go back, you promised yes?"

"I'll think about it.", and I fake an attempt at smiling.

I put my skates on and glide towards Phichit to start my warm-up. He was early today, leaving me behind to rest.

The day passes with me practising flips as usual, and with Celestino dropping by in between to discuss themes. In the evening, he offers to take Phichit and me to dinner, and since I wanted distractions, I gladly agree.

I'm not hungry, though. Not even a little bit. Even the soup doesn't taste like anything, but I eat since I don't think dying of hunger is the right thing to do.

Phichit goes out when he gets a call, and Celestino gives me the we-need-to-talk look.

Well shit.

"Yuuri, the amount of stress you're feeling because of all that's happened won't let you perform, and neither would it let you make the right decision."

"I know."

"Do me a favour, will you?", he says and pulls out an address.

"Go to this place tomorrow, at four, without fail. Promise me you will. It's important for you. I'll ask Phichit to get you a cab to go there, and I'll come and pick you up in time."

"Um, okay."

 

* * *

 

 

This house is gigantic.

I ring the bell and I'm ushered into a study, and now I'm sitting on the most comfortable rocking chair I have ever come by.

_What the fuck am I doing here?_

Ten minutes later the door creaks open, and a woman with brown hair down to her shoulders rushes into the chair in front of mine and offers me a handshake.

"Hello, Mr. Katsuki. I'm Dr. Sandra, I'm a big fan. Do you know what you're here for?"

"Um, not actually. Celestino... I mean, Mr. Cialdini told me to come here, so..."

"Well, I will be counselling you till the time you're here in Thailand. I'm a psychologist."

_Oh my god, he thinks I've completely lost it._

"Mr. Katsuki-"

"Call me Yuuri."

"Well Celestino does not think you're crazy, and neither do I."

_Was I-_

"Yes, you were very much loud enough."

_Great, I've been sent to the doctor for a lovers' spat._

"Well, I deal with celebrities and actors, so I'm not allowed to disclose anything to the press. Confidentiality ensures that you and I are on the truest of terms and are utmostly comfortable to each other so that we can solve whatever problems you have."

Something in the way she speaks is enough to calm me down.

"Well then, let's start our session with where it all began, shall we?"

And so, despite the doubts arising within me, we begin.

 

* * *

 

 

_**We can't have children.** _

_**It's the morning of the wedding day and this is the first thought that hits me when I wake up.** _

_**Victor loves children, but I can't give him those.** _

_**"Yuuri, time to wake up.", says Mum, knocking at my door.**_

_**These are wedding jitters, I should calm down.** _

_**"I'll be out in a minute!", and before I could think further my phone rings.** _

_**Of course, it's Victor. Who else could it be?** _

_**"Good morning suns-"  
** _

_**"What about kids? I can't give you kids."** _

_**He's dead silent for a minute. Thank god, at least he's giving it some thought.** _

_**"...Victor?"** _

_**"You know, I read something in this magazine the other day."** _

_**"What?"** _

_**"If gay couples make love to each other hard and good enough, they can churn out some children of their own."** _

_**And now I'm laughing so hard snot is flying out of my nose, my previous jitters disappearing.**_

_**"Yuuri... I love you. If you want children, we could adopt, or we could just try making some tonight."** _

_**"V-Victor! Someone might hear you, oh god!"** _

_**But I can't stop giggling, and...** _

_**"I'm gonna make you giggle like this from tomorrow onwards."** _

_**"Not from now?"** _

_**"Oh Yuuri, you'll be screaming loud enough to keep all of Japan awake tonight. We want our best shot at making children, don't we? We could start by-"** _

_**"Victor I'm hanging up, bye. I love you."** _

_**I hang up in enough time to hear him say it back.** _

_**Children don't matter. We have each other. We'll make it work.** _

 

* * *

 

 

"We can't make it work."

I tell her about what I felt when he came to Hasetsu, when I made 'Yuri on Ice' a reality, the Grand Prix, the rings, and I stopped at the part where we started arguing.

"All married couples argue, Yuuri. There's something else that's happened, and you can tell me about it in next week's session, yes?"

"...Okay."

All the talking and reminiscing makes me miss him now, Fuck.

Celestino drops me home to a screaming and happy Phichit.

"Yuuri, the assignments are here! You're going to France and Russia! I got Japan and Canada-"

I surf through the table, searching for his name.

Japan and Russia.

 _We're competing in the Rostelcom. Together._  

One and a half months from now, I'll be seeing him again.

_Victor._

I don't waste a minute more, and I pick up my phone.

"Celestino? Yes, I saw that... Yes, I know. That's what I called for. I've decided on a theme for the season."

 

* * *

 

 

**(Victor's POV)**

NHK and Rostelcom.

_I'll be seeing him in Russia._

Suddenly I am struck with possibly the greatest idea ever. It will be hard to execute, and Tokyo is far from Hasetsu, and I don't know what they will say...

They will probably disown me or something, but it's worth trying.

"Alisa, do you have a passport?"

She had sneaked up behind me, silently staring.

Now she runs to the guest room and comes back to me with it in her hand.

"Where are you sending me?", she asks with fear in her face.

"You're not going alone. We're going. On a trip."

"To where?"

"Japan, next month. Let's go and get you a visa, shall we?"

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All constructive criticism is gladly accepted so please drop some by in the comments!
> 
> Chapter Playlist -  
> 1\. The Last Time - Gary Lightbody and Taylor Swift  
> 2\. Give it All - Right the Stars  
> 3\. Begin Again - Measure  
> Assignments -  
> 1\. Yuuri - Trophee de France and Rostelcom  
> 2\. Victor - NHK and Rostelcom  
> 3\. Yurio - Trophee de France and Skate America  
> 4\. Phichit - NHK and Skate Canada  
> 5\. Otabek - NHK and Skate America  
> 6\. Chris - Trophee de France and Rostelcom  
> 


	4. Facing Our Truths

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor and Alisa are trying their best to settle in, but the thought of Yuuri not being there eats at Victor. Meanwhile, Yuuri has been given a tough task to do by Dr Sandra - after hearing the reality of his situation, can he try fixing things between them?

**(Victor's POV)**

It's been 2 weeks. I will see him 3 weeks later.

Considering that time had kind of slowed down for me, getting Alisa settled in, and the prep for Japan kept me pretty busy anyway. I had thought of calling Yuuri, but Mila said I have to give him 'his space'.

Of course, I miss him. The need for him claws within my heart every minute and hearing his voice on the answering machine drives me crazier.  I feel weak and powerless and life feels colourless. Not that Alisa doesn't try. She is trying to break down the walls that Yuuri and I had built to make our world within, just so that she could be with us in there.

Me wanting her there wasn't a choice I could make at any point, and Yuuri understands this, which is why he left. Mila says he left because it shocked him, but... I won't know until I hear it from him himself.

When I told everyone about taking Alisa to Hasetsu, Yuri and Yakov freaked out, as usual, and Mila and Georgi said it was a risk worth taking. 

Therefore, next month, I shall take Alisa to Hasetsu.

Alisa has completely engrossed herself at the rink, with me. Mila taught her some flips, and she was ecstatic. Yurio... changed with a child around him. To admit it clearly, Alisa was a beautiful person; you could see in the rare smiles she gave, and her determination to not give up, that she was someone worth knowing, and loving.

_Almost reminds me of... Yuuri._

If Yuuri wanted space, space is all that I'm giving him right now. I haven't heard his voice in the last 12 days, and if it weren't for the group of people checking with me all the time, I would have died by now. Surprisingly, instead of Mila or anyone else, it's Yurio that constantly ensures to me that Yuuri is doing fine.

"I talked to Phichit. Yuuri is... practising hard, and you should, as well. Now get up and get your ass skating, please.", says Yurio.

_Oh, kiddo. If I could, I definitely would._

* * *

 

_**"Now that the gold's here, Katsuki-san, I am going to marry the fuck out of you tomorrow."** _

_**Yuuri won the gold in the Four Continents. I knew he would; the love of my life finally had what he deserved.** _

_**Moscow is cold at this time of the year, very cold, actually, which gives me all the more reason to make Yuuri snuggle in with me under the covers in our suite, with hot chocolate.** _

_**It felt perfect. Too good to be true.** _

_**"V-Victor, how will we convince my parents? They like you, but marrying a man will... I don't know how they will react."** _

_**"Yuuri?"** _

_**"Yes."** _

_**"You love me, don't you?"** _

_**"... Of course. I love you, Victor."** _

_**"Then I think we can make this work out pretty well. I love you."** _

_**In a series of firsts, Yuuri smiles as he leans in, confident and not shy.** _

_**This will work.** _

* * *

 

_**Okay, this is not working.** _

_**The wedding announcement was, very bravely, made by Yuuri, which led to a series of oohs and aahs and applauses, but the extreme worry on his parents' faces stops the celebration.** _

_**"Mum, dad, can we talk, alone? There's something I need to tell you.", says Yuuri.** _

_**This wasn't in our plan, but the confidence in his voice makes me let him talk.** _

_**He took them to another room. I expected a shouting match, but all that we could hear was a silent conversation, most of which was probably being carried out by Yuuri.** _

_**After ten minutes, they walk in, Yuuri standing there with a smile worth framing.** _

_**Toshiya-san walks to me, the expression on his face calmer than before.** _

_**"Vicchan, my son... he needs love, and support. He does not necessarily need you, but he is so in love that none of us can make him come out of your spell, which is something we don't mind, but only if you are willing to give him the support and love that he needs to carry on his life. If you can, then we leave our son in your care."** _

_**In another series of firsts, Toshiya-san pats my head, which is something he had never done before.** _

_**"You will be a part of our family now. Good luck to the both of you.", says Hiroko-san.** _

_**Yuuri... what the hell did you do in ten minutes?!** _

* * *

**(Yuuri's POV)**

My theme for this season is... reminiscence.

I tell this first to Dr Sandra, I have no idea why.

"Reminiscence of what?", she asks.

"Reminiscence of... our life together. How happy we were, how good it was... memories that make us both smile, and make us both come back to each other."

"You sound as if you don't have a choice of going back, Yuuri. You don't want to-"

"Of course I have a choice! We had a fight and I want to give us some time, that's it." 

"You still haven't told me about the fight. Why did you have that fight Yuuri? What happened?", she asks, and my heart stops.

_Should I tell her, or should I just..._

The words are out of my mouth before I could stop them.

"He has a child."

 

* * *

 

  _ **They're angry. More than angry, they look stressed.**_

_**While the rest of the people were ecstatic, mum and dad looked stressed, so I decide to talk to them separately.** _

_**Mum starts the talking.** _

_**"Yuuri, how could you-"** _

_**"I thought I was going to die."** _

_**That stopped them from talking.** _

_**"I thought I was going to die. The repeated failures, all of my hard work down the drain - I couldn't even face the two of you, for five years! My life had lost all purpose, I had lost all motivation to live, I had completely given up!", and now there are tears flowing down my face.** _

_**I hadn't talked about the years in Detroit to them - how hard it was, in a strange country, with newer competition and next to no fruits of all my labour. I wanted to tell them, but some part of me had locked the door on this chapter of my life and leave it as it was. Somehow, Victor in the next room gives me the courage to continue.** _

_**"I really had no hope, mum. Then all of a sudden Victor came in and swooped me up and changed everything. He made me want to live, to win, to succeed... no one had done this before. I'm proud to have someone like him next to me and no power in the world could separate us. Not now, not ever."** _

_**I had never talked to my parents like this. The words for shocking for me too, but they were what I felt.** _

_**"And what if something bad happens?", asks my father.** _

_**"Well a lot of things have already happened, and we survived, all of it! I love him so much, and I know he loves me just as much. I need you both to approve of this, please!"** _

_**We stood there silent, for two minutes. Staring at each other.** _

_**"Where will you get married? You can't do it in Japan.", says my father in a low voice.** _

_**" we were thinking of Barcelona."** _

_**Well, that wasn't so hard, was it?** _

 

* * *

 

"It's his child?"

"Yes."

"How... could you know for sure?"

_Of course, I know. After all..._

"She has his eyes."

She's glaring at me now. Very hard. Trying to make do with this new information at hand.

"Where is its mother?"

_I don't want to talk about it._

"Dead."

Sandra stays silent for two minutes, and so do I.

"The child will need a family then, Yuuri."

"I... Know. But..."

"But what?"

_What, exactly? Why had I left? Was it just because of Alisa?_

_Why did you leave, Yuuri?_

Hot tears are streaming down my face for no reason. I look up at her, with a firm answer in mind.

"I was shocked. Afraid. Already, many people hate us for our marriage, and if they found out about her they would... they'd-"

"There's nothing more anyone can do but talk, Yuuri. People can't stop you from living the way you want to. You chose Victor, didn't you?"

"...Yes."

"And all marriages come coupled with nonsensical arguments and petty fights and rumours. It's how much you are willing to stay together that matters. The way you left, all of a sudden, it would make any person think that-"

"That I didn't love him anymore."

_No. No._

_I love him. Of course, I love him. I was just so angry that something like this happened that-_

"If the child does not stay with you, where do you expect it to go?"

"I... I know it has nowhere to go..."

"Then you should go back and let the child stay with you and Victor. You know the child isn't the problem. Do you want to know what the problem was, Yuuri?"

"Yes."

My heart's about to thunder out of my chest as if she was going to solve it all with just one answer.

"You put the blame on him."

_What?_

"You thought you were doing everything in your power to make this work, but you forgot that he was doing that too."

"But-"

"Time's up for today's session Yuuri. There's a weekend coming up so think about it. Meanwhile, I have some homework for you."

"What homework?"

"You will call him tonight, and talk to him about anything else, but what happened between you two the last time."

_Well, shit._

* * *

My hand is trembling as I pick up the mobile in my hand.

_Calm down, Yuuri._

I tell Phichit to leave me alone in the room for this, which he did after a lot of hesitation on his side. 

_It's just him, my husband, the love of my life. I need to talk to him, now. I don't want him to..._

I had no idea what I wanted from him, I had no idea about what to say. Still, I stand there with the mobile in hand, ready to call him. My heart is clawing in my chest with the possibility of hearing his voice after a really long time. Pausing the intense conversation I was having with myself, I dial his number.

_Please pick up, please pick up, please..._

"..Hello?"

Okay, so now I had one good thing and one bad thing to deal with.

The good thing was, that the phone call had been received and I had finally called up a number I didn't have the courage to call earlier.

The bad thing was, that the voice on the other end wasn't my husband's, but it was the voice of a petite little ten-year-old girl.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Playlist -   
> 1\. All We Know - The Chainsmokers and Phoebe Ryan  
> 2\. Your Call - Secondhand Serenade  
> 3\. Superficial Love - Ruth B
> 
> I am so so sorry for the late update! College has been driving me crazy, I'm so busy :/
> 
> (These songs were the ones that kept playing in my head while I was writing this chapter.)


	5. Communication at its Finest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The championships for the Grand Prix are here - and the time to face each other is now closer than ever. As the NHK arrives, Victor will now take the biggest risk he has ever taken, while Yuuri, in France, faces the people he considers his biggest competitors, all without the support he needs.

**(Victor's POV)**

I'm in the kitchen when the phone rings, and to my absolute horror, Alisa picks it up.

I was afraid of anyone outside of my home and Russia finding out about her - the media would eat here alive - but the phone call that she picked up was the one I  **did not** want her to pick up. 

_Yuuri!_

_Don't hang up, don't hang up._

I dash to where Alisa is, and I take the phone away from her, almost as if she had peeked into something very personal. I run to my room, lock the door, and sit on the bed before I could talk to him.

"Yuuri! How are you?!" I'm screaming into the phone, tears on the edge, but I can't help it.

"I'm fine. Are you doing well?" His voice was cold enough to send Moscow into a deeper winter.

"I- I'm-"

"Don't cry, Victor. I just called to check if you're fine. Are you practising? Is... Is she fine? Alisa?"

The way her name sounds with his accent makes me feel a little hopeful; maybe he has calmed down a little.

"She's fine, and I'm... well, I'm here." I didn't wanna lie to him. That's what this felt like.

"I'm here too, Victor." The crack in his voice sends me over the edge, and now tears are flowing down my face, again.

"Are you practising Yuuri? Did you pack well? Did you train? Please call me before you go skating. We can talk."

_He needs me there. Oh god..._

Not that Yuuri's anxiety hadn't gone down. His confidence in performance had increased multiple folds, but the jitters before performance still stayed, eve after all these years.

"I know you're there. I'll... call if I need help. Will you go to Hasetsu?"

_Fucking bullseye, Katsuki-san._

"Um, yeah. I'll have to visit everyone, and the triplets will kill me if I don't visit. You should do some sightseeing too, Yuuri. Paris is very beautiful."

"I don't care about that, I'm going for the competition. I'll see you in Moscow."

_Liar._

"Of course,  _Yuura_. I can't wait."

I hadn't said the word  _Yuura_ for such a long time; even Yuuri's surprise could be heard from the other side.

"Well, um... I'll hang up now, I have practice. Take care Vitya."

He returns the favour by calling me that, and for the first time, in a really long while, I smiled.

"I love you, Yuuri." I hesitated at first, but he shouldn't ever forget this, and so it came flowing out of my mouth, like an old habit.

"I- I love you so much, Victor. Bye.", and he hung up.

For a split second there, the way he said it, made me forget why he had left and why everything was the way it was right now. 

 

* * *

 

 

"Don't take on too much stress Vitya. You can't carry wounded feet to the NHK.", says Yakov, concerned as ever. 

Since Yuuri left, everyone at the rink was treating me like glass; like I'd break down and die any minute. Mila would drop by and cook food for us, and even Yurio stopped with the unnecessary jabs at me. Instead, very unexpectedly, he tries talking to Alisa, who's ever so afraid of his temper. Georgi likes her too and leaves no chance to teach her different flips. The only person who wasn't treating me as fragile was Alisa.

She is always hellbent on learning about my previous routines and is also very very interested in Yuuri's too. She would watch 'Yuuri on Ice' on YouTube countless times in a day and I'm pretty sure she has it fully memorised by now. 

Today, she decided to stay behind with me, as I practised for one last time before leaving for Tokyo. She sat there in the bleachers, throwing a round of very unexpected questions at me, as she always did with me and everyone else.

"Papa, did you teach Yuuri-san his routine?", she asks. The way she says Yuuri-san, with so much love, I wish the person concerned would hear it himself.

"We decided on the components together, but the music and the beauty of his performance were all his." She still isn't satisfied with my answer.

"Have you ever skated it?"

"Sometimes." I had practised many-a-times with Yuuri, since he insisted it would do him better.

"Will you show me, please?" She's begging with those big blue eyes, and I know refusing isn't an option.

So somehow, I end up in the same beautiful pose that Yuuri always made before starting the routine. She wanted to play the music, but I refused.  _I knew the routine by heart, it's written down in my veins._

And so, as if calling Yuuri, I skated 'Yuuri on Ice'.

Weirdly, I was very tired by the time I was done (it's Yuuri with the impressive stamina; I can only do so much in a day) and Alisa looked so happy I thought she would cry.

"Well, have you packed, Alisa? We leave for Japan tomorrow morning."

I receive an energetic, positive nod in return.

 

* * *

 

_**"I can't do this Victor. I can't."**_  

_**We're in Moscow for the Four Continents, and Yuuri declares this to me 30 minutes before his free skate. It looked like he had been crying previously, and he was sweating in spite of the cold weather.** _

_**I had seen this happen before too, at the Cup of China. After the Grand Prix, when he shifted to my place in Russia, he talked about how anxious he felt before his performances, and how it made him lose his confidence at the Sochi Grand Prix previously. After all the time I had spent with Yuuri, I had understood and accepted one thing - Yuuri needs love and support to be able to stand up for himself on the ice, and this love and support could only come from one place, and that was from me, his coach.** _

_**Over each competition, I had gotten better at consoling him and giving him the space and the confidence he needs, but today felt worse from the other days. He was sweating profusely, and it looked like he was going to have a panic attack right before his performance, which was definitely not good.I had to do something, and I had to do something now.** _

_**I cup his beautiful face in my hands and I ask him to listen.** _

_**"Yuuri, no matter which corner of the world are you and I in, and no matter if we're together or apart, if you ever feel afraid, seek me out. I might not be physically present at times, but I'm there in your heart, Yuuri, and every time you imagine me when I'm not there, remember that there's only two things I will say to you - I believe in you and what you are, and, no matter what happens, I love you."** _

_**He's staring at me, trying to engrave in mind what I just said. Instead of replying to me in words, he leans in for a kiss.** _

_**"I won't let you down Vitya. I love you more."** _

_**This is what he does every time he wants to say something to me but can't find the right words for it. If he wants me to know something, he will either skate it out for me, or kiss me or cook me borscht, and it's amazing. He leaves nothing unsaid. Ever.** _

_**At least that's what I thought, before the arguments began.** _

 

* * *

 

We're at the airport, making our way to Tokyo, and Toshiya is talking to me on the phone about how sad it is that both his sons can't come visit him in one go.

"Vicchan, I really wanted us all to get together! How is Yuuri? He rarely calls us these days!"

"He's fine, but just a little stressed; you know what he gets like before competitions."

"I know, I'm just happy that at least you could come."

"Um, Toshiya, I need you to do me a favour."

_Gently, Vitya. Gently._

"What is it Vicchan?"

"Could you prepare an extra room this time? I'm bringing someone with me."

My heart is ready to tear out of my chest.  _Please, for the love of God, don't ask me who is it. Not right now._

"Oh? Who is it?"

_Well, shit._

"Uh, I can't really explain on the phone. You'll know when we get there. Will you promise me something?"

"Of course, Vicchan. What is it?"

"No matter what happens, please hear me out before you make any decisions at the time when you need to."

"Vicchan, is something-"

"Please, I need you to do this."

"... Okay. Everything is fine, right?"

"It is. I'll see you there Toshiya. They're boarding the flight now."

"Of course Vicchan, I'll see you soon."

For the first time in a really long time, I find myself silently praying to God. I was never a big religion fanatic, but at the time of the Junior World Championship, when I was all alone at the locker room, I'd find myself praying; praying that everything would be okay. Somehow, it would turn out to be okay every time. 

Hopefully, I'm praying that praying to God works out this time as well.

 

* * *

__

**(Yuuri's POV)**

Paris is cold at this time of the year.

I was already at the rink, because skating was the only thing that could take my mind off what I was feeling. I hadn't skated without Victor absent in such a way, and the more I thought about it, the more it hurt.

_Seek me out, Yuuri._

The conversation that feels like it happened centuries ago, drifts to my train of thought. He promised me that he would be here with me always, but I'm not so sure about that right now. 

_I'm the one who left. It's my fault._

Suddenly tears flow down my face and I find it hard to skate to the corner of the rink. Instead, I stand there, right there in the middle of the rink, howling and crying for my husband.

_It's too hard, i can't do this._

A hand grabs my shoulder and harshly turns me around, and there stands Yurio. A fresh bout of tears flow out and I'm pretty sure he's gonna punch my nose. Instead, he does something that I never would have expected, not in a million years. 

He is giving me a hug. He stands there, holding me in his fragile frame. 

_Do I seem that bad?_

"If someone saw you like this, they'd raise stupid questions katsudon, and you can't deal with those right now. If you want to cry, go to your room. Don't do this here."

"Yuri, how is... how are they?", is all I could choke out.

"Victor's fine, and so is the kid. She likes you a lot, ya know. She thinks you hate her."

_Do I hate her?_

_Of course I do. She tore us apart._

_It's not her fault. It's ours._

_We tore us apart._

"I don't hate her. Tell her that."

"Call her yourself katsudon, she's with Victor."

_Wait, what?_

_Victor should be in Japan right now._

"Yurio, did he take her with him?"

"Um, I-"

"YURIO! TELL ME NOW!"

"... Yes. He's taken her to Hasetsu."

_Well, fuck._

"Katsudon, don't you trust him?"

"Huh? What?"

"If you trust Victor, you let him do what he is doing. I know it's terrifying but it probably wouldn't hurt to try now, eh?"

And now, I did something I couldn't have dared to do in a million years.

I gently caress his beautiful blonde hair and try to smile as much as I can. 

"Oya Katsudon, what-"

"You've grown up, haven't you?"

_He's changed. We all have._

As we stand there, in those awkward positions, I find myself praying.

_Kami-sama, please let everything be okay._

_Please give us another chance._

* * *

 

 

**_"Yuuri, aren't you lonely?"_ **

**_My mom drops the weirdest question on me. We're vacationing in Hasetsu, and Victor's out, drinking with dad._ **

**_"Well, not really, mum. I have a husband and we enjoy each other's company."_ **

**_"Hmm... you could... adopt a child, you know?"_ **

**_That freezes me over. I never expected this, not in this life at least._ **

**_"Mum, we-"_ **

**_"Being a father to a child is an honour to have for men, Yuuri. Your father is happy to have you and Mari, and we want you to be just as happy. A child brings strength to a relationship, and happiness to a home. Think about it, Yuuri, will you?"_ **

**_For a moment, I imagined it. Me, Victor and Makka playing around with a child. I never had much of a preference, but for some reason, I imagine a little girl, the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. She'd skate with us, play in parks with us, and Victor and I could have something that we had accepted as impossible before._ **

**_We could have an actual family of our own._ **

**_We had all the components to make an actual family - me, Victor, Makkachin and a little girl._ **

**_Why weren't we a family already?_ **

 

* * *

 

 

Thirty minutes left. 

Sandra had called before, to give me whatever pep talk she could, but it did not help. I was sweating and nervousness was flowing out of me like a stream. 

_Seek me out, Yuuri._

_Oh my god, I have to see him. I need to hear his voice. Oh my god._

_VICTOR!_

As if hearing my thoughts, the phone rings. 

_Speak of the Devil._

"Hello Victor." I try to sound as calm as possible, but my voice is cracking.

_I'm so happy._

"Yuuri, you've worked hard, and it will pay off. Stop worrying and skate it out for me, okay Yuura?"

"I.. I'm scared."

"I know, baby. I'm here, with you, always. Didn't I promise you that? We're all watching and we're all here believing in you, okay?"

"I don't hate her Victor. I don't. I'm not heartless." The words are out of my mouth before I could stop them.

There's tears flowing down my face, probably because I wanted him to know this for so long. 

"I know, milaya. it's just hard, that's all. We'll make it work, won't we?"

"I love you Victor."

"I love you more, Yuuri. I love you more than anything."

"Don't take your eyes off of me Victor."

"How will I ever be able to, Yuuri?"

With that, I hang up and make my way to the rink.

_We might have ruined it, but I will leave no opportunity to fix it._

_We will make it work._

_Don't take your eyes off of me Victor._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god, hello guys! I hope you guys like this chapter, and I hope you continue to stay with me while I finish this story. Thank you for your patience!  
> Yuuri skates to 'And I'm Here' by Kim Kyung Hee
> 
> Chapter Playlist -  
> I miss you - Soyou  
> U just can't be replaced - G-nash


	6. Maybe It's Meant to Be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri makes it to the top three after the short program when he receives a call from his parents - a call that he couldn't have imagined in a million years.  
> Victor finally reveals the truth about Alisa to Yuuri's parents - will they be able to accept this child? Maybe... it's meant to be?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so so so sorry. I was going through a bout of depression and for all this while, I had lost the motivation to do anything, really. I don't think that I have still fully recovered from it, but I wanna complete this fanfiction - primarily not for the kudos or the appreciation, but for increasing my commitment to myself. 
> 
> When I had started this fiction, I wanted to show everyone that no matter how real or unreal, each relationship faces problems and each party in a relationship will have to work together to keep the magic alive. VIctor and Yuuri are different in many ways, but in the end, it's their love for each other that will give them the happy ending they want.
> 
> If you're continuing to read this fiction, I thank you for your patience and support. All forms of criticism are appreciated and all comments are noticed. I promise there will be faster updates from now on. Thank you.

**(Victor's POV)**

"She's really your daughter? You are sure?"

These are the only words Hiroko has spoken to me ever since I started telling them the story about Alisa and how Yuuri left, with Mari-neesan translating it for them. They didn't react, they didn't seem angry, they seemed... I really couldn't make out what they were thinking about right now.

"Yes, she is. We had a test done after Yuuri left. She actually is my child... I'm sorry."

"Sorry won't fix this Victor.", says Toshiya. He whispers something in Hiroko's ear, and then, she gets up and takes Alisa to the kitchen.

_Oh fuck._

"Dad, I know, I-"

"Can you even imagine the amount of torture she would have to deal with from the media? Your fans? The kind of things they're going to talk about?"

"Dad she's going to-"

"My son wanted children, but not like this."

With that, the waterworks I've been trying to hold in for the last hour break, and there are tears down my face again. 

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry Dad. This is all my fault."

"The child is your fault, indeed. Yuuri leaving isn't. At hard times like these, he should have been with you. He knows this much. Something else must have forced him out of the comfort of his home, and I have a feeling you know what it is."

"I..." Of course, I knew why he left. He left because the fighting had elevated this situation to a worse stage than it was at before. He left because he must have thought that this is the end. 

_But I wouldn't let it be. Ever._

 "I'll talk to Yuuri, but no matter what I do, you must know that we can't fix this, and neither can anyone else. Only you can, and that too, with Yuuri's help. You have made a grave mistake and I am not happy about it at all, but a family should stay a family no matter what storms rage on in their lives. Yes, Vicchan?"

With this, he gets up, and leaves the room to go to God knows where, and my heart won't stop with the thudding. I didn't even tell Yuuri that I planned to visit mum and dad and that too, with Alisa. 

_Yuuri's gonna kill me, oh god._

* * *

 

 

_**"Milaya, I am sorry. I really-"** _ _  
_

_**"I.. I need some space right now. I'll walk Makka, okay?"** _

_**With that, Yuuri stumbles out of the door before I could take out a word from my mouth.** _

_**We had just had our first, extremely official full-fledged, fight.** _

_**It was a petty argument, about who does more chores, and today, Yuuri was responsible for making dinner, which he hadn't. I told him we could order, but he insisted on cooking something.** _

_**Also, he was in the worst mood today. He was finding it hard to land a salchow again, and he had been completely drained out by Lilia. I told him he was being stupid and he should rest today, and somehow, this little argument turned into a screaming match, the words of which I couldn't quite remember right now. So, Yuuri stumbled out with Makkachin, leaving me to worry at home, all alone.** _

_**Before I could think of doing anything, I hear my phone ringing, and the situation of who was calling is of quite the surprising nature.** _

_**"Mari-neesan! How are you?"** _

_**"Good, Victor. I had called to check up on you two. All's well, I hope?"** _

_**Why does everyone in the Katsuki family have such good timing?** _

_**"Um... yes. Of course."** _

_**"The 'um' doesn't sound that good. Had a fight?"** _

_**"Kinda."** _

_**With this, I break down the happenings of the entire day to her. Over the last two years of our marriage, I had figured out that I could be very good friends with Mari-neesan. She was extremely supportive, even though she doesn't seem to be very emotional at times. I had found a good person to talk to, and it was evident that I would never have anything to hide from her."** _

_**"Victor, we both know what he is like. He is always afraid of failing, which is something that wouldn't happen. We know this, but he chooses to not accept it. He overworks himself, just like his own father, and then takes his frustration out on whatever surrounds him or himself. Also, a couple will fight, because it consists of two different people, and no two people can agree to everything, can they?  Calm down, and sort it out, okay?"** _

_**Talking with her always left me with a better mood.** _

_**"Yes, nee-san. I'll talk to him, and then I'll call and tell you what happens!" With that, I excitedly hung up and decided to wait.** _

_**Yuuri comes back a good hour later, with Makkachin scurrying to the sofa, on his favourite spot.** _

_**Well, best of luck to me.** _

_**"Yuuri, I-"** _

_**Before I could apologise, Yuuri pulls me in and his lips are on mine.** _

_**In a situation where I thought I would have to plead and beg to be understood, here I am, being kissed by Yuuri as if he is doing it for the first time. I can't breathe for these two minutes, and it feels amazing.** _

_**By the time he pulls away, we're panting, and Yuuri's crying.** _

_**"I'm sorry, I am so sorry. I was just.. just sad and stressed. I'm really-"** _

_**"I know baby, I'm sorry as well. Now that the mood's better, let's go somewhere for dinner, da?"** _

_**As we walk out, smiling, hand in hand, and as I remember what Mari-neesan said, I know that no matter what becomes of us, we will always come back to each other, just like this.** _

* * *

 

**(Yuuri's POV)**

I was in the bathroom when the phone rang, and I was surprised, yet relieved to see who was calling. 

My father.

My performance today landed me a silver, which I could easily pair with a bronze or higher to get through.  _I can do this._

"Hello-"

"Victor's here, Yuuri."

If I was feeling fine before, I was very close to exploding right now.

_Oh god, don't tell me._

I see, dad. Did you-"

"He's got the child too. A very lovely girl indeed."

 The hint of possible anger and sarcasm in my father's voice terrified me; I had no choice but to break this down to him in the simplest terms possible.

"Dad, we will fix this. You don't have to worry."

"Of course son. What I don't understand is how you planned on fixing this by packing up your bags and running away from your own house, and that too, at such a trying time."

_Well, shit. He's actually making sense, and he's angrier at me._

"I'm... I didn't know what to do. I'm so sorry, I-"

"I don't need the sorry, but Victor and Alisa deserve a nice apology, don't you think?"

"You... you don't mind her being there? With us?"

"This is not a question of minding or not minding. What your mother and I see is a ten-year-old child who just lost her mother to disease and needs all support in all the ways possible. Make sure she gets it Yuuri. Come back home, where you belong."

Home. The thought of being at home, Victor, Makka... I never realised how much I missed my own home until dad mentioned it.  _There's an addition to it too, now. One that we need to care for._

There was no choice, no choice after all. I have to go back. Not for the child only, but for making sure my home survives this. That Victor survives it. So that I survive this. 

* * *

 

 

  _ **"I**_ _ **.. I need some space right now. I'll walk Makka, okay?"**_

_**Sometimes I thank God I have Makka as an excuse to escape when I need to. Not that I have ever run away from a conversation with Victor like this before. My day was shit, and now with our fighting, I put the cherry on the fucking top.** _

_**I wasn't supposed to forget dinner. I'm supposed to do my chores, no matter what. Why does Victor have to go so easy on me every time? Why can't he reprimand me when he should be?** _

**It's because he loves you, stupid.**

_**My god, why do I have to be the stupid one in this relationship? Why am I the only one making mistakes?** _

_**I walk back with fear of what's to come, and instead, I'm met with worry in Victor's eyes and it hurts.** _

_**"Yuuri, I-"** _

_**There was only one thing I could think of doing to make the worry and the anxiety stop, so I grab him and pull him in.** _

_**I still remember the first time I initiated a kiss with Victor. The warmth of his lips on mine, him smiling into the kiss, and then laughing after it because it was so stupidly rushed. I remember the happiness and the feeling of satisfaction that arose within me as I held his beautiful face in my hands. I wanted this magic to last; I wanted him to know that I loved him more than anything in this world and that the feeling of being with him was ethereal. I try to pour all of this into him; this love, admiration, joy - whatever I felt when I was with him. When we separate, he's wiping tears that I didn't even realise I was crying.** _

**Apologise.**

_**"I'm sorry, I am so sorry. I was just.. just sad and stressed. I'm really-"** _

_**"I know baby, I'm sorry as well. Now that the mood's better, let's go somewhere for dinner, da?"** _

_**As I held his hand and walked out into the cold, I prayed that all our arguments could end this way, with a nice kiss.** _

_**Oh, how sad it is that I was wrong.** _

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this chapter was short. I'll make up for it with their reunion. There will be tears.


	7. Kiss Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri and Victor finally meet after their fight. Will they finally come to a decision regarding what to do?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted angst so here it is I am sorry  
> Also, this is short but I'll be back soon!

**(Victor's POV)**

The two days in Hasetsu were like this slow and excruciating exam; it was very surprising to see how welcoming they were of Alisa, so much so that it was scary. She played around in the hot springs, Mari-neesan took her out to the beach and even bought her a Yukata. Yuuri's family was angry with me, but by the time we were to go to Sochi, they had pretty much returned to normal. 

Toshiya, to my utter surprise, hugs me before I leave. 

"Vicchan, I am sure that Yuuri will come back. Don't worry. I know that the two of you can't live without each other after all that you've been through, so you'll find your way back to each other no matter what. Take care of that little girl too, okay?"

"Of course, Toshiya. I'm praying for the same."

"Take care of Alisa too. She's seen enough of hurt and now she deserves the best of what you can be."

"I promise. I will, no matter what."

And with that, with strong resolve, I made my way to Yuuri, with my- no, our daughter.

_God, please let me have the love of my life back._

 

* * *

 

  _ **"It was the only thing I could think of doing to surprise you more than you've surprised me."**_

_**All around me was cheering, screaming, applause, but it had all disappeared.** _

_**I kissed him. I kissed him. I finally let him know.** _

_**And this sly man was smirking right back.** _

_**"Really?"** _

_**I wanted our first kiss to be perfect. I wanted it to be in comfort and safety, someplace that felt like home to both of us equally. Running to Yuuri, I realised that this is home - the ice rink, our hard work, our dreams and hopes and aspirations for each other, our success - it was all home. What would be better than kissing here?** _

* * *

 

_**The point up to the ride back to the hotel passed as if it was some hallucination. The realisation of what we had done was finally hitting Yuuri - he wouldn't look me in the eye and he was adorably blushing up to his ears.** _

**_For some reason, dread crept up in my mind. Did he not want this? Did he not think of me this way?  If not, then kissing him was probably going to send our relationship back to square one, and I'm pretty sure I will die if that's the case._ **

**_We're packing silently, not saying anything at all, when Yuuri grabs my hand, looking eager to say something._ **

**_"Victor? I... I have to ask you something."_ **

_**"Anything, Yuuri. What is it?"**_  

_**"Why did you kiss me, Victor? Was it just because you wanted to surprise me? Was it-"** _

_**"I love you, Yuuri."** _

_**WHAT? I WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT-** _

_**"What?", Yuuri echoes my thoughts right back.** _

**What the fuck. I was not supposed to say it this way. My God, I wanted to shut up, but the words flew out of me nonetheless.**

**_"Yuuri, I... I've lived my entire life competing, working, smiling for the cameras, impressing people and what not. Ever since I saw you for the first time, it's all turned around Yuuri. I... my entire life somehow now revolves around you. I don't know how or why it happened; before I came to Hasetsu I was so close to giving up on my life and my career, but now... I feel like I've got so many reasons to go ahead in life and actually live, and so many reasons to be inspired, and not-so-surprisingly, all of these beautiful reasons revolve around you, Yuuri."_  
**

**_Crazily, I still couldn't shut up. I felt so desperate to have him know what I felt, I knew I shouldn't shut up. Not after all that's already been done._ **

**_"Love does not even begin to describe what I feel for you anymore, Yuuri. All my emotions revolve around you now. I can't feel without you being there Yuuri and if you don't feel the same way about me right now, I'll fight and make sure that one day, you do. If this doesn't answer your question, then I don't know what does."_ **

**_I look up and the next thing I know, he's grabbed my face with his cold hands._ **

**_"It answers my question just fine, Victor."_ **

**_And then we're kissing. No, not we- he's kissing me._ **

**_My God, Yuuri's kissing me. For the first time tonight, my heart isn't beating fast, and I'm not feeling giddy at all. Calmness and warmth take over and I feel... satisfied. Like all that I'm supposed to do has been done. Like I passed the toughest exam of my life yet._ **

**_He likes me too, he does. Oh, God._ **

**_"I love you too, Victor. So much."_ **

**_Finally._ **

 

* * *

 

 

Sochi is colder than ever, for some reason.

Possibly due to the lack of Yuuri next to me. 

We were all staying in the same hotel, and I had no idea where Yuuri was. Had he arrived? Was he alright? Is he feeling fine? I had no idea at all, and it terrified me. I settle Alisa into bed and dreadfully make my way to the one place that calms me no matter what I'm going through.

Praying that the rink was empty, I'm disappointed to see that someone is still there, and that's when I hear it. 

Yuuri's song for the free skate.

Emotions take over logic and I run; I run like my life depends on it. 

_God, please let it be Yuuri-_

He's skating, and he hasn't noticed me yet, so I stand at the gate, admiring the grace and beauty that he was. His routine was beautiful, just as much as he was. He was serene, calm, poised and now he was looking at me.

His expression changed from that of concentration to... something else. He seems frozen in his ending stance, looking at me as if he's seen a ghost. I couldn't figure out what he was feeling right now, but at least he's not running away. Thank God.

We stay that way for a while. Just taking each other in, looking at each other, trying to figure out what to do and what to say. It feels like we've both aged; he didn't look fatigued, but his eyes were a completely different story. 

He skates towards me, slowly, as if he's approaching an intruder, and it hurts.

"Victor... How are you?"

Bitterness and anger take over me and I'm pretty sure he sees it too.

"I don't know Yuuri. Do I seem alright to you!?", I scream.

I wanted to persuade him to come back. I wanted to apologise, but the way he looked at me, I wanted to scream and I did. I wanted to grab him by the collar and screech and cry and scream. I wanted him to feel the pain that I felt in the last few weeks, but my body seemed to stiffen in anger. 

"Victor, I... I'm sorry I-"

"I don't want this apology, Yuuri! You think I wanted this to happen?! You think I wanted kids this way?! I NEEDED YOU AND YOU LEFT!"

I couldn't help but scream. Hot tears flowed down my face, and through the blur, I can see that Yuuri's crying too.

"We could've done this together Yuuri! I swear I would have done anything to make up for my mistake, but what can I fucking do? She's here and she's all alone! What do I _fucking_ do?!"

"Victor, I- I didn't know what to do-"

"That's the best you can come up with? I didn't know either Yuuri! Couples are supposed to figure shit out together, and you, you-" 

"I was terrified Victor! I don't know how to justify what I did but I swear to God I'm sorry Victor, please!"

He's left the rink and he's standing right there, in my reach, but all I could do was cry. That's all I've wanted to do, ever since Yuuri left and that's all I've done with my time. 

I feel his fingers on my cheek, attempting to wipe tears from my face.

"Look at me, Victor."

_I can't. I'll die._

His hazel eyes, heavy with pain, are locked with mine.

"I love you, Victor."

"Yuuri, please-"

"Victor, love does not even begin to describe what I feel for you. I've made a terrible mistake and I'll do whatever to have you back. I was a coward for leaving like I did and if I have to convince you to take me back I swear to God I'll do whatever it takes. I love you, Victor."

I can't win against this. Not when he's pleading like this and not when I need him like this.

"I love you too, Yuuri, I'm so so sorry."

"Don't be, Vitya. I'll do anything to make this better, I swear-" 

"Kiss me then." The words are out of my mouth, unabashedly. We were screaming and discussing important shit, but all I needed was him. I needed to know he was there, with me, again.

"Victor, are you sure? We haven't exactly talked-"

"Kiss me."

"Okay."

And suddenly everything feels better.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this despite the late update. Also, I'm thinking of doing a yoonmin fanfic which will have angst haha I'm an angst monster


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